So, I just read a journal my sister posted and realized that I haven't done this in a while and quite a bit has changed since then.
Mariah is off in college and doing rather well for herself.
She comes home almost every weekend, which is nice because I love having her around.
Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. And she's pretty good at that.
I love my sister. Family is probably the most important thing to me. And friends, of course.


So.. Hmm.. What have I been up to?
Well, Brody and I got back together.
And then broke up again.
So now we're taking some time to be just friends.


Uhh.. I'm not even all that sure what else is going on. I just haven't really been feeling that much lately.
In fact, that might be the problem.
I'm trying to avoid my feelings because I know they are not going to be the best.
I miss some people in my life, and I know if I think too much about it, there won't be the best results.

It's getting to that time of year again, though.
I'm a little worried as to how New Year's eve will go this year.
I have a feeling, it won't be the worst it could, but it won't be the best either.
I miss him a lot...

-sighs- So, I don't know what I feel right now.
I know I love Brody.
And Bre.
And Mariah.
And all of my other wonderful friends and family.



"Your life was over when you put your heart in her hands. Afflicted little lamb, there's no way you can go hooooomeeee."
My friend Karen (Jane Is Juliet). An AMAZING musician and just an all around great person. I love her.


I wish I was musically inclined. ^^"
She's awesome though.



Hmm.. Well.. I really don't know what else is up.
I have a crush on a friend of mine, and it's kinda awkward.

"Would you like, to be looked at and be loved for your everything?"
Absolutely.


And I'm sure there's someone who does. Whether I know them or not yet, I can only hope they're out there.

Uhh..
Yeah. There's really not much going on. I'm just kinda here.
All I ever seem to do anymore is sleep. I'm not a very interesting.


Is it wrong that sometimes I just don't want to be around?
That I wish to just run and run and run and run until I can't anymore?
That sometimes, all I want is to be a million miles from myself?
Wow, that kinda sounds emo.
But I don't mean it that way.
I'm not upset.
I'm not honestly anything right now.
I just think about that stuff sometimes.
I wonder about death sometimes too.
The inevitable end.

I suppose it's bad that sometimes, when we're getting on the metro, I think about what would happen if I ran and jumped in front of the oncoming train.
Yeah, that's gotta be bad.
But, when I think like that, I'm not considering it at all.
Just pondering about it. Wondering what would happen. Who would miss me. Things of that nature.
:\ I guess all that just makes me sound like a nutcase.

Some of you probably think I should be institutionalized.
And, at this point, I think about that as well. I wonder if I should be locked away and kept from even my own thoughts.

Ehh.. I don't know.
I think about death a lot.
It's not like it's something any of us will ever really get away from.
And I wouldn't even say I'm death obsessed. I know it's not an obsession.
Just... a... curiosity.

But I'm not emo.
I'm not even hurting right now, except for my missing a few people, but that's natural for me. I'll always miss Shadow and anyone else no longer in my life.
And I know I won't live forever.
I'm not afraid of death, though. I think death is a beautiful and natural thing. While, yes, extremely saddening, I still believe it's beautiful.
I don't love death; that's a little creepy. It just makes me think.

And no matter what ANY of you think, I promise you, ALL OF YOU, that I am by no means suicidal. I'm not thinking about ending my life. Just what happens when it ends on it's own eventually.



Pfft.. I don't even know anymore. I just don't feel anything.
And I'm tired. As per usual.
So I'm going to bed and this will be the end of this journal.
I'll write back some other time.
Sorry if I wasted your time and you read this.
And if you liked it, that's always nice.
Feel free to tell me what you think. I don't really care.

Goodnight all.

Love,
Caitlin ♥